Mistakes
by GylzGirl
Summary: As Giles patrols one night, a newly human Spike finds his way back to Sunnydale.


Mistakes  
by GylzGirl  
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own them but dearly wish I did. Joss and Fox do own them, but seem to be acting like the wish they didn't this season. Sigh. My world is all askew.  
Rating: PG-13  
Warning: HEAVY Angst.  
Timeline: AU Post-"Grave"  
Spoilers: Based on spoilers (and possibly rumors) through Grave. End of season 6.  
Author's Notes: For Gail and Karen.   
Written: June 2002  
************  
  
"Bloody stupid demon! Return me to what I once was? Oughta sue him for malpractice." Spike said for the thousandth time since his transformation. No, not really Spike anymore; plain William once again. Though that wasn't quite true either. He was some strange mixture of the two creatures. Some intermediate and passing nothing, with no way to tell who he would end up being. He was human now, no longer a vampire, but he had all of Spike's memories. He didn't yet feel the guilt of the demon's crimes, but he could sense that was coming. He had no idea how he would cope with it when that came crashing down around him. 'So many years… so very many atrocities.'   
Instinctively, he had come to Sunnydale again. Buffy and her friends were the closest things he had to human ties and that seemed as good a place to start as any, he reasoned. He hoped Buffy would hear him out. He wasn't the thing that had tried to… He shook that thought away as quickly as it came. He wasn't ready for the emotional ramifications of what his darker self had done.  
  
When Drusilla had come back to town, she explained to him what had happened to Darla. How she had rescued his former Great-Grandsire from human remorse… and an equally human wasting death. He knew that Dru, of all creatures, would sense his change. He only hoped Buffy could protect him from being sired again. Or that she'd be willing to.  
  
As the sun began to set, he quickened his pace. Human again for the first time in a dozen or so decades, he'd had to secure passage back to the states by conventional means. As such, his money had been all used up on the plane ticket home… and the fake passport he'd had to purchase in Johannesburg. With no money for even a car rental, he found it was quite a long walk from the Sunnydale airport to Buffy's house; especially for someone who'd just become imminently killable and had as many enemies as he'd managed to tally up.   
  
******  
  
Giles stalked the graveyard with a determined gait. The past few days were almost a blur to him. So much had happened. So many things, each of such magnitude that they almost seemed to weave themselves together. One strand of events forever bound to another and another, and so on until he found himself walking here.  
  
They'd lost Tara, nearly lost Willow's soul, almost lost Buffy… again. And then there was the other almost where Buffy was concerned. The almost he'd only found out about because Xander had let it slip in his fatigued state. It had been hard enough to accept the choices Buffy had made as she tried to sort her new existence out. Choices he secretly feared he had contributed to by his own decision to leave. But the news that Spike had tried to rape her. The thought that the demon had dared to attempt to force her…  
  
Even though he'd been told that Spike had left town, he couldn't help this feeling that the vampire would return. So, as Buffy and the others rested after the recent ordeal, he hunted. He hunted each and every night. Giles knew he'd have to go back to England soon. He hadn't decided yet whether or not it would be to stay again, or merely to gather his belongings and return to Sunnydale. But either way he would have to leave his family, and his still-vulnerable Slayer, for at least a short period of time. And there was no way he intended to leave Spike in a position to finish what he had tried. He was here to watch over his Slayer this time. 'As I always should have been.'  
  
He kicked in the door of Spike's crypt. In moments, he found himself apologizing to that poor Clem chap that was tombsitting for the vampire. It was the third night this week that he'd scared him nearly to death. Finding nothing satisfying to pummel in the rest of the cemetery, Giles headed through the back alleys, towards The Magic Box.  
  
******  
  
Spike gasped and jumped at a noise behind him. He spun on heel only to see yet another cat darting between some trash cans. Now that he had a working heart again, every damn thing seemed to be determined to frighten it into stopping. He hated this. He hated being this weak and afraid. He hated Buffy for not having hated him enough to stake him. He hated fate for letting Drusilla's path cross his in the first place. But most of all, he hated himself. He hated himself for the monster he'd become in that other alley, all those years ago.   
  
He stopped in his tracks for a moment as a memory stirred to the surface. A memory of where he'd been headed to when Drusilla took his life. A tear tracked down his cheek. He hadn't thought about her in over 100 years, but being alone, and feeling small and frightened again made him realize how much he missed his mother. How worried she must have been when he never came back from the party. How afraid she must have been when the monster Angelus came and…  
  
The same fear he'd seen in all his many victims. The same fear he'd caused in yet another woman he claimed to love.   
  
He wiped his wet cheeks with the back of his hand. Taking a deep breath, he continued down the alley.  
  
******  
  
Giles had almost reached the Magic Box when he heard footsteps splashing through a puddle in the intersecting alley. He quietly pressed himself against the wall, ready for a fight.  
  
******  
  
A chill rose through the night air surrounding him. Spike shivered and pulled his coat tighter around his body as he rounded the corner.  
  
He gasped as a figure stepped from the shadows and startled him.  
  
"Spike?!"  
  
"Giles?!"  
  
They spoke nearly in unison.   
  
"Thank God you're here. I need your hel..." Spike gasped as Giles plunged a stake into his chest. Spike's body jerked at the traumatic penetration of wood into the living flesh. As blood began to saturate the front of his t-shirt, the former vampire and the Watcher looked at each other in shock.  
  
Spike sank slowly to his knees as weakness overcame him. He leaned back against the building for support.   
  
Giles stumbled back, unable to tear his eyes away from the pooling blood on the ground beside Spike. The blonde's mouth began to move wordlessly. Swallowing heavily, Giles crouched down.  
  
"Spike?" His voice was hoarse. "How?"  
  
The former vampire licked at his lips, trying to get the taste of blood off of his tongue. He suddenly loathed the horrible coppery flavor of it. He smiled slowly at Giles.  
  
"Don't worry about it Rupert. Long overdue. You weren't to know…" He coughed and it was a terrible, liquid noise. "Tell… tell Buffy I'm sorry for what he… what I… what we did." A tear slid down his cheek as the images of his victims flashed faster and faster before his eyes. "Tell the whole bloody world I'm sorry…" The wheeze of his breath suddenly stopped. With a slightly shaking hand, Giles reached out and closed the blankly staring eyes.  
  
End 


End file.
